16th Dec 2016

I am currently on the bus on my way home, sitting next to a woman making flower garlands to sell later in the evening. 

I feel terrible. It hasn’t been the greatest of weeks, I feel like I’m drowning. On the days that I feel miserable, I have a tendency to become a social recluse. I go for days without interacting with friends, barely talking to my family even. I sleep all day and stay up all night, making the most sincere plans for how I’ll do everything right the next day. Then I finally fall asleep in in the wee hours of the morning. The cycle continues.

 Even as I write this, I cringe at how clich├ęd it all is: an 18 year old girl from the best of circumstances unable to deal with basic things that all adults must do, complaining about the trivial troubles of her life on the Internet.This lady sitting beside me on the bus surely has bigger worries? For one, how is she going to carry that humongous bag of flowers? How long will it take her to make the garlands? Will she sell all of it? Will she have money to feed her kids today night? And here I am. 


Well, so here’s the thing: I started taking sleeping pills (as per a doctor’s instructions) to force myself to sleep early and hence wake up early. I went to college for 21 days in a row. 3 weeks. I was proud. But I guess I jinxed it by being proud. I couldn’t wake up on Monday. Tuesday was a holiday. These past three days have been terrible. I have to start from scratch all over again. In addition to that, I lied to someone who trusted me and the guilt is eating me alive. Truth always outs, huh? I’m also so afraid he’ll find out I lied. The consequences will be the death of me. 

Sometimes I feel like my legs are broken and I’m on a rolling barrel. I need to run because I CAN’T FALL, but I can’t run because ofcourse, my legs are broken. 

The carousel never stops turning.

(I might or might not be watching too much of grey’s anatomy)


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